Dirty Harry Potter
by demerest
Summary: In pursuit of his dream to become an auror, Harry quickly finds that real life holds as many challenges and dangers as his school years. As a criminal madman terrorizes the magical community Harry must decide if he has the ability to take on the genius known as 'The Squib'.
1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

His ever shifting eyes leered down at all the sheep-like people going about their pointless lives. His bloodless lips curled into a mocking smile and he laughed at a silent joke that only his own twisted mind could fathom.

"Pathetic..." he hissed from behind yellow, cracked teeth. "What pathetic creatures they all are."

A husky grunt of agreement sounded behind the old leering man, but he paid it no heed. He squinted slightly and his sharp grey eyes fell upon an old witch buying a ready made rheumatism potion. He noticed how her sagged features winced in pain every time she settled her weight upon her left leg. He noticed the little strip of parchment with a colorful childish drawing sticking out of her handbag.

"A proud grandmother, suffering from the effects of a dark curse..."

Behind her a gangly teenage boy who had just entered the shop longingly stared at a cheap love potion. The boy's button down shirt had all the buttons running through the right slots; obviously a muggle born.

"This one is suffering from a hankering," the old leering man commented. He sneered nastily as he regarded the boy's weak chin and harsh overbite. "He doesn't stand a chance."

The overweight shopkeeper was currently unaware of the old limping grandmother and the besotted youth, being otherwise engaged in chatting up a busty forty year old witch who was admiring his stock of skin shrinking potions. His round belly shook as he puffed out his caved in chest and squared his shoulders in a manly fashion, obviously intent on making a sale. Though not with potions.

The busty woman appeared not to notice any of the extra attentions as she swept long acid green nails along the glass bottles on the shelf before her, laughing faintly at all the right moments. She would probably get her skin potion for half the price.

"Pathetic..." the old man muttered and another deep grunt responded from behind him. Their lives were all so pointless. They were born for no reason, they lived their lives without meaning and they died without purpose.

That would all change today.

A bell tinkled as the door swung open and the old man saw a dark figure enter the shop. His old wrinkled face cracked into a smile, and his two rows of broken yellow teeth glinted wetly in the wand light. "That was all changing today,"

And as he looked down upon it, the little room suddenly shattered in a roar of violent blazing fury. Smoke billowed outward and shards of brick and plaster mingled with the shrieks of terror. It was done. "Today, their little lives have meaning."


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER ONE

The pink paper airplane banked sharply and collided painfully with his nose. Harry winced in annoyance and flicked it aside. It zoomed pointlessly around the small cubicle for a minute before it maneuvered a spectacular split 'S' and dive bombed his nose once again.

With reflexes honed from countless hours of quidditch, his hand flew out with blurring speed and snatched the small airplane in a firm grasp. He knew these memos were used for interdepartmental communications. Obviously this one had gone far astray as it had persisted in following him around the moment he had set foot in the Ministry of Magic.

All around him Ministry officials hustled and bustled as they raced past him, their head buried in newspapers and official looking documents. Some glanced curiously at him, wondering what a young man was doing in the Auror office while others where not yet noticing anything beyond their coffee mug. It was quite early after all.

From the cubicle's walls around him faces glared and scowled at him angrily from their wanted posters. There was a pug faced man with pasty white skin whose teeth appeared to have been filed down to points. He roared angrily at Harry and lunged to bite him repeatedly.

Harry shuddered and regarded the next poster. An old woman with a hooked nose and a generous sprinkling of warts grinned toothlessly back at him and seemed to be beckoning him toward her. 'Come,' her gestures said. 'You can trust me.' Harry didn't, though.

The other objects in the small cubicle office Harry recognized as standard Dark Detectors. They included a sneakaskope, and an Enemy Mirror that refused to reflect him but had at least two dozen indistinct shadows milling about within.

The Auror, Sallow Krag, was known to be a hard man but a competent Auror all the same. Harry glanced at his watch and wondered what could have been keeping him. Harry had been looking forward to this appointment for months and had spent a sleepless night staring nervously up at the ceiling while the butterflies in his stomach held a raucous party. He had trudged through an entire year of evaluation training to get to this point and now at the age of nineteen he didn't think he wanted to wast even a few more minutes.

In an attempt to effect calmness he breathed in slowly and glanced at his watch again. It looked exactly as it had when he last checked it. That couldn't be right. At least ten minutes had passed. At least that's what it felt like.

Absently, he unfolded the pink paper airplane that was still wiggling in his hand and he noticed a familiar scrawl spread on its inside. Ginny's elegant and sure hand had written three words just for him: _Good luck. Love._

Harry felt a surge of warmth well up inside him and suddenly felt himself relax. Everything would be alright. He knew it, and so did she.

"Well, isn't that just the sweetest?" a voice like honeyed gum drops whispered from behind him. Harry swung around and leaped to his feet, utterly startled. A young woman stood in the entrance to the cubicle, Harry judged not much older than he was. She was a head shorter than him and had open expressive features with eyes made for smiles. But at that moment they were not smiling. Even as the tips of her lips twitched upwards sardonically her eyes aimed icy daggers at him.

"Mr. Potter, I presume," her tone was clipped and curt as if to be done with the conversation as soon as possible.

Harry nodded quickly. "That's right. I'm here for my final evaluation. I was to meet Sallow Krag. Do you know when he'll be in?" He felt he was talking to fast. Why did his mouth insist on throwing up so many words during a first impression?

The young woman seemed not to notice as she regarded him impassively. It unnerved him that her fake smile never wavered or that her eyes seemed to have no need of blinking. "Sallow Krag?" she spoke slowly. "That old oaf? He retired a week ago. I'm the Head Auror in charge of this department."

Harry blinked. "You're in charge?"

Her smile became slightly more genuine at that. "You're rather quick at grasping concepts, aren't you? I can see why you'd make an extremely perceptive Auror."

Harry flushed as the Head Auror sauntered hurriedly into her cubicle and settled behind her neat desk. She began unnecessarily organizing some of her folders and became deeply engrossed in an official leaflet.

Harry stood for several minutes, still flushing slightly and feeling more awkward by the moment. He slowly began to lower himself back into his seat while eyeing the auror cautiously but she kept on reading like he wasn't there.

He sat in the cubicle and listened to himself breath; he waited for the woman opposite him and the minutes began to lengthen and slow to a crawl. "Er," he wasn't sure if he was supposed to be speaking. Perhaps this was standard procedure in evaluations. "I'm afraid I didn't get your name,"

"It's Seline Hoser," she spoke without looking up.

Harry gulped. "I finished the evaluation training and I was wondering when the apprenticeship starts."

The Head Auror named Seline Hoser placed her manuscript down carefully and looked at Harry seriously. "As far as I am concerned," she began slowly, "you and those like you will never be allowed to be aurors."

Harry felt his face go numb and his stomach caved in like it was just punched. He stood stock still and then noticed he was not breathing. He always knew there was a chance he would be told he was not yet ready or that...that...Well he didn't expect anything like this outright hostility.

"I'm - I'm sorry, I don't understand," he stammered.

She laughed amusedly. "Oh, yes. You really are a sharp one. Just what this department is looking for." Harry flushed again and this time felt some indignation bubble beneath his embarrassment. The auror leaned forward and flipped a lock of her dark hair behind her ear. "The fact is: I couldn't, in good conscience, put some poor miscreant at your barbaric mercy."

Harry retreated into more confused surprise. This interview was not turning out at all the way he pictured it would.

"We live in a new age, Mr. Potter," she went on, speaking slowly and firmly as one would to a mean little dense child. "A new age of reason and peace. I don't know what sort of garbage you were exposed to by your 'muggle t.b.' while growing up, or what notions you may have about aurors but I can assure it wouldn't fit your brand of justice."

"I don't have 'notions of justice'," Harry sputtered defensively.

"Oh, of that I'm aware," her voice began to rise. "I have reviewed your record and I must say it very nearly made me sick!"

"What are you talking about?"

She grabbed at a folder and began to flip through it savagely. "According to this, you were involved in numerous acts of violence with 'alleged miscreants' long before you even came of age-"

"They were not 'alleged miscreants'!" Harry was almost shouting. "They were actual criminals-"

"A NEWS FLASH FOR YOU, MR. POTTER! CRIMINALS HAVE RIGHTS TOO!" She pulled a parchment from her folder and looked at it with obvious distaste. "In this case you were involved in a violent altercation with several 'criminals' in this very building, the Department of Mysteries to be exact, where you left several of these men permanently debilitated. There is a man in St. Mungo's with the head of a baby!"

"I had no choice!" Now Harry was yelling. "My friends and I were under attack. There was no other answer-"

"Violence is never the answer, Mr. Potter. And neither is murder."

"Murder?"

"When you came face to face with a certain very sick individual you cowardly ran from the opportunity to help him and instead pointlessly and cold bloodedly killed him."

"What are you talking about?" Harry knew he had never murdered anybody, cold blood or otherwise, unless you consider... "Wait," Harry spoke with uncertainty. "Are you talking about...Voldermort?"

"That man's name was Tom Riddle," the words came from clenched teeth. "A very disturbed human being-"

"A monster,"

"Who's death accomplished nothing but further the debasement of our society." Selene Hoser began gathering up her folders, soundly satisfied with her presentation. "Officially I cannot dismiss a potential recruit until after seven days when his or her evaluation is turned in. But in your case you may not want to bother with the whole week and save us both a lot of trouble."

Harry jutted his jaw out solidly and grasped his little pink slip all the harder. "Thanks for the suggestion," he said, acidly. "But I think I'll stick it out."

She glared at him and was on the verge of responding when a young freckled girl with blonde pigtales burst into the cubicle, panting heavily. "Ms. Hoser!" she weazed. "Ms. Hoser!"

Selene Hoser sighed. "What is it, Binny?"

The blonde girl named Binny forced down some phlegm and gasped. "It's terrible! It's just awful!"

"What is it, Binny!"

"There's been an accident...at Pigmore's Potion Shoppe!"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER TWO

The Head Auror cursed colorfully and rushed from the cubicle leaving a still flustered Harry and this 'Binny' who was still hacking and coughing. She composed herself eventually and turned to him. "It's just awful," she said as though continuing a previous conversation. "It's gone. Absolutely gone."

"Gone?"

"Pigmore's Potion Shoppe. It looks like a giant went on a rampage in it. I mean, there is nothing left." She frowned in confusion for a moment before remembering something. "I'm Bertha, by the way. Bertha Bones actually but everyone calls me Binny. I don't know _you_, though."

"I'm Harry-"

"Are you a new cadet? I just started my training a month ago and I've learned so much already. All about magical residue, wand identification, pollyjuice tells, and the list simply goes on and on. It's really daunting, it is, but then, I _did_ graduate top in my class, so there you are. Did you graduate top in _your_ class?"

"Actually, I-"

"Well don't you worry about it. Most get along fine in their own way. But you will have to know your way around basic potion brewing techniques. You know, in case were ever investigating a poison case or, y'know, in case you are poisoned. But I'm sure you can do that without too much trouble, can't you?"

"Well, I-"

"Well, don't worry yourself in the least about it. We almost hardly ever get poisoned and Jake always says that as long as you have a good partner you can get by at just about everything. Do you have a partner yet?"

"I just got-"

"I already have a partner so I can't help you in that area. But Jake is still looking for someone to go on stakeouts with him. He's really nice and he makes the best chilly fries in England, he told me so himself. And he's really cute too. A lot more than you, but I think he'd like you anyways, what with your messy hair and retro glasses. You guys would just make the cutest couple."

"Wait, I am not-"

"Oh, but you have to meet him. You simply have to meet him. He's down the hall in the wand room taking measurements. Here, right this way."

As the blonde girl turned to leave Harry felt his head swirling as though he had downed a couple of shots, which now that he thought of it, he could have really used at that moment. As if in a daze he automatically followed the bouncing pigtail out of the cubicle, all the while reflecting on how wierd his day was unfolding.

The wand room turned out to be pretty self explanatory. It was small and windowless and walled with cabinets from floor to ceiling. A slender boy sat slumped at a solid metal table in the center of the room with a glazed look on his face and a measuring stick in his hand. The table he was at was strewn with wands of every size and color along with mug shots of arrested criminals and form sheets.

As Harry and Binny entered the room the slender boy quickly sat up straight and began measuring wands with gusto. "I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" he whined. "I wasn't sleeping I was just taking a breath-" He stopped when he saw who it was that had entered and his face immediately slackened into it's previous glazed expression. "Oh, it's you, Binny,"

"Hello, Jake," she said, brightly. "Still working hard?"

Jake yawned slowly. "Do I ever do anything else?" his voice sounded lethargic and his words came out slowly. Harry started to feel tired just by looking at him.

"What is it that you're doing?" Harry asked with interest.

The slender boy named Jake rested his bored eyes on him as if just noticing him for the first time. "Do I know you?" he asked, blandly.

"This is Harry," Binny interjected, excitedly. "He's a new cadet here and he'll probably be needing a whole lot of help."

"Well that's not true," Harry said, somewhat stung. "I can get on fine by my-"

"Oh, great! Isn't that just great!" Jake bellowed and slumped even further into his seat. "As if there isn't enough work they make us do around here and now I have to cover for the mistakes of baby rookie here." Jake let out a huff that expressed his exasperation with his situation in particular and with life in general. "No, no. It's not enough that I've been here all morning making wand identifications for minor offenders but on top of that I have...have...What did you say your name was?"

"Harry," the answer came cold and stiff. "Harry Potter,"

Silence filled the room like as violently as a jolt of thunder. The two cadets stared at him open mouthed and, if Harry didn't know better, even a little bit scared.

"Harry P-Potter?" Binny uttered the name quietly as though it were a bad word. She began to back away, seemingly afraid of being attacked. "Se- Selene, that is Ms. H-Hoser has told us about you. _All_ about you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry said, angrily.

"Whoa, whoa. Let's all settle down, now." Jake said, placing himself squarely between Binny and Harry and using a tone one would use on a charging bull. "There's no need for anyone to get violent, so let's all calm down and breath. All together then: Breeeaath, breeeaaath. Think peaceful, non-violent thoughts."

Harry was clenching his jaw so tightly it was starting to hurt. "What has she been saying?"

"You're not thinking peaceful thoughts," Jake chided, warningly.

"Some people's minds simply don't work that way, Jake." Selene declared, striding into the wand room and taking in the scene. With Binny cowering in a corner and Jake placed firmly between her and Harry it wasn't difficult to come to a conclusion. "Making friends, are we Potter?"

Harry didn't trust himself to speak.

"Binny, Jake, go collect Jeanie and tell her to meet me at the northern floo fireplace. We're going to Diagon Alley to investigate a 'disturbance' at the potion shoppe. It's about time you got your hands dirty with some real field experience."

The two cadets obeyed immediately and Jake slumped out of the room while Binny skirted around Harry, throwing fearful glances at him as she did. Selene Hoser nodded her head appreciatively and turned to leave.

"Wait, Ms. Hoser," Harry protested. "What about me? What would you like me to do?"

Harry immediately regretted phrasing the question in that way because he could tell from her expression exactly what she wanted him to do. She considered for a while, her face impassive the whole time and then she spoke. "Go downstairs and look for an Auror named Jasper. There is a foreign princess making an appearance in London sometime today and Jasper is providing the security detail. I'm sure he can find something for you to do."

She made as if to leave but then stopped and turned slightly, a wry expression on her face. "Oh, and Potter, try not to kill anyone while you're there, hmm?"


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER THREE

Harry stood in the freezing, bitter wind and fumed. He imagined if he could see himself, that steam would be spouting from his ears like a tea kettle. Beside him a steady rain of crumbs and sprinkles gently peppered his shoulder as they fell from the mouth of Jasper the Auror, who was doing his utmost to vanish a box of doughnuts. (He was having little luck in that regard seeing as how the box appeared to magically replenish itself regularly. (Jasper didn't seem to mind.))

They were sitting on a moldy cardboard box in a yard behind a London butcher shop. Harry leaned back against the rusty dumpster, (taking in the exotic aromas) and noted that the box that would have been large enough to fit about five of his skinny selves onto its surface was mostly taken up by the expansive body of mister Jasper, leaving him with just enough room for one cheek.

"This your first stake out, Potter?" the Auror asked, spilling an unsettling mouthful of his snack.

Harry winced slightly as the crumbly debris hit him again. "stakeout? I thought we were meeting some foreign dignitary."

"A princess, actually. The princess of Mangaria."

"There is no such country,"

"Well, somewhere in that area, then,"

"There is no such area,"

"An' it's our sworn duty to protect the lovely lady from any an' all threats."

Harry felt a bit like swearing at that moment. "Does the Ministry of Magic always greet royalty in back-alley garbage zones?"

"Heavens, no, lad!"

"Well?"

"Well Mangaria is not a very important place."

"Ah,"

"Plus this place is not observed much by the muggles. Saves us a ton on protective charms. Which is lucky for me because I'm not very good at charms."

"That makes sence since you don't seem to have any."

"What?

"Nothing,"

The two of them lapsed into silence; Jasper working on another snack with Harry pulling his coat in tight around him against the biting wind.

All at once a series of pops sounded off all around the little yard and the place began to fill jostling wizards and witches, all brandishing quills and notepads as they apparated one after another. They heaved and shouted and writhed like a mass of tentacles, screaming questions shrilly into the air and demanding answers from everybody and nobody.

"Aha, here come the press," Jasper said, heaving heavily to his feet. "Alright folks, let's all back up an' give 'em some room for when they show up. Move now, back it up."

"When will the princess be arriving?" one reporter shouted back.

"What is her stance on the Gremlin Accords?" another demanded to know.

"Is it true that Serius Black is the lead guitarist in the hit band, Spice Gouls?"

Harry tried to help in pushing the crowd back but the bulging mass of reporters didn't even notice him and he found himself roughly shoved into a pile of rotting tendons. Jasper smiled slightly as he helped him up. "That's not the way, lad. Are yeh a wizard or aint you?" The Auror pulled out his wand, waved it and a stream of yellow tape came pouring out with blazing red letters sprawled across it reading: DO NOT CROSS. The crowd pressed against it but although it stretched they found they could not break it. "It's a handy little trick," Jasper said, wryly. "Just flick and swish and think the word '_Beuracratis_'."

"I'll have to remember that," Harry said, smiling back.

Suddenly a shimmering sound filled the air. The crowd of reporters grew silent and still as the humming grew louder and then louder still. A shape began to take form in the middle of the roped off space and it spun and spun, growing larger all the time.

Abruptly, the spinning stopped and Harry saw that it was three figures holding onto an old apple core that was obviously a portkey. Two of the men were humongous, dark-skinned men with menacing faces and challenging glares. They protectively sandwiched a rather delicate, petite woman with an hourglass figure and swarthy skin. (Harry supposed the one without the mustache was the princess.)

As quickly as the silence had ensued, a ruckus immediately broke out filling Harry's ears with a dreadful cacophony. "Princess Baldis, how long do you intend on staying?"

"What is your relation to Cornelius Fudge?"

"Do you intend to marry again while you are here?"

"What is the capital of Ecuador?"

Princess Baldis smiled blandly at the crowd and waved graciously with an elegantly bejeweled hand. "I haff zome business to conduct on your quaint island," she spoke with an accent Harry could not place. "But I also intend to haff zome fun while at it, no?"

The crowd laughed appreciatively and her dark eyes swept over them and wavered for a moment on...Harry. Everyone there followed her gaze and turned to see what she was staring at. "Oy!" a witch yelled. "Looky here! It's 'Arry Potter!"

To Harry's horror, the swarm of the press quickly formed rank around him and pushed him into the roped off area, flinging questions at him as they did. "Are you taking a stand on the Gremlin Accords, Potter?"

"How long have you and the Princess Baldis been going out?"

"Have you and that Granger girl broken up, then?"

"Where were you on the night of the 25th?"

"What's the capital of Ecuador?"

"Er," Camera flashes blinded him and astonishment muted him. His astonishment only grew when, upon clearing his vision, he found himself standing right next to the Princess. Her plastered smile revealed a row of perfect teeth as her eyes glared at him. "It was fery good of you to come and meet me, mister Potter. You are, of course, a national treasure."

"Er," Harry was never very good at speeches. He noticed that his proximity to the princess was making her massive bodyguards restless and he tried to edge himself out of the spotlight. "I just have to...that is...your highness,"

"Of course, of course, you must be going," the princess said, coldly. "Joque," she said, addressing one of the six-foot guards, "Please escort my...'security detail' out of the alley."

Harry felt himself flush at that comment as a huge hand clamped tightly over his shoulder and shepherded him through the throng. The giant, dark man cleared a path easily merely by his girth and Harry saw the rotund face of Jasper looking at him disapprovingly as he passed by. "That wasn't smart, lad," Harry heard him say. "Not very smart,"

Harry and the giant made their way through the narrow of the alley and the sight of a sidewalk filled with scurrying muggles came into view. "You know you smell of rotten tendons, don't you?" the bodyguard commented in a voice as heavy as cement.

Harry muttered something noncommittal.

"That was not...how you say? professional! Not very." the big man continued. "I suggest that from now on you stay far away from her royal highness-"

The thick voice broke off suddenly and Harry whirled around in alarm. He saw the man named Joque staring in disbelief at a copy of a newspaper strewn upon the floor. His eyes bulged and his face had gone ghastly pale. "This is not good," Harry heard him mutter. "Not good. He is here in London. He has followed us here to London."

He quickly let go of Harry and dashed back into the alley, leaving a bewildered Harry looking quickly between the fallen newspaper and the panicked giant. Harry gingerly picked up the paper, noticing that it was the Daily Prophet, and glanced at the leading story.

MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION IN DIAGON ALLEY.


End file.
